Slipping Away
by GuardianofWilds
Summary: This is a possible outcome of the romance between Jacen Solo and Tenel Ka Djo which was so carelessly abadoned during the books complete with a spirit Anakin Skywalker. Some may not like the ending... Never fear though, it might be continued...


Slipping Away

You know I don't own Star Wars.

My smile is pasted resolutely on my face; my robes cleaned and ironed with false cheer, my back straight when I want to be on knees. My heart is pounding with cruel insistence in my chest, my eyes are set forward, my hair immaculately groomed. I'm ready.

Ready to see my life slip away.

I shake my head fiercely, willing the despairs of my foolish heart away. Today isn't about me, it's about her and how happy she's going to be, the good life she'll have after today. I'm supposed to be celebrating the marriage of Hapes' Queen Mother, and it's killing me.

I'm at the wedding of the woman I love, but I'm not the one on the altar.

My hands are clasped together so no one can see the white knuckles; my shoulders squared and head high in feigned dignity. I wish so badly that she could've just forgotten me so I could try to forget about her, but no. It's all I can do to stand here blankly, waiting for my life to end while her crystal laughter and amazingly alive eyes make my solemn silence a mockery. I should be running to her _right now_.

That she cares enough to invite me is sufficient shame. "Friend Jacen," that's me, all I am. Why was I such an idiot? Why did I stand around, waiting for the perfect moment that wouldn't come, losing her with every passing second? I was scared and unsure, a boy who didn't know his own heart well enough to bare it before anyone, and now it's too late. Must the man that boy became suffer for the mistakes of his youth so horribly?

It's too late to love, too late to dream, too late to even hope.

But it's never too late to pretend.

For just a moment, I can imagine that I'm the man at the front, living for the moment when she'll be up here with me, my Tenel Ka. The rich mahogany paneling of the Queen's retreat looms over me, daring me to tie myself to this proud daughter of Hapes. The ceremonial altar is my display case, laying me bare before my bride to be, and, terrifying as it is, I can't make myself care. To her, I'm as clear as the elaborate glass windows overhead. I'm scared to death, but mixed in somewhere is anticipation, knowing soon I won't be alone anymore, that she'll be with me for the rest of my life. Through death and war, we have stayed the same, and in her I find my sanity. I'm sick and dying inside, and in time she will cure me with her warrior's hands and Jedi heart. I'm incomplete and nearing completion; I'm starving and about to be fed.

My salvation is at hand.

Strength pours into me at my fantasies, making the air around me cool and alive, but I cut myself away from it. I need perseverance of a different kind here.

I turn my gaze to the thief on the altar. I've met him maybe twice in my life; some nondescript prince with a beautiful Hapan face that I've more recently learned to loathe.

He looks collected enough, but I'll bet my lightsaber he wouldn't last more than two minutes in a real firefight. Can he protect her from her many enemies? Can he give her the love she deserves without demeaning her self-reliance? Can he know to leave her be when she starts pacing, but to go to her when she's sad but refuses to cry? Can he know her?

Does he deserve the perfect woman?

He seems so smooth, so emotionless, and I hate him for it. He's nowhere near good enough for her; he should be sweating his sanity away. She probably doesn't even love him.

And it's this thought that hits me in the face like a Death Star.

She's marrying a man who doesn't love her, who doesn't deserve her at all, who can never be what she needs.

And she doesn't love him at all.

Now my heart is breaking for her, because whatever her friends and relatives say, she isn't going to be happy. My Tenel Ka is going to be alone, trapped in the politics of being Queen Mother, trapped in a loveless marriage.

I have to save her.

Desperation fills me as I sprint to the back room where she is being outfitted. No concept of how too late this is interrupts my focus; all I know is that I must get to her, must tell her before she is lost to me forever. I barrel over countless servants in my frenzy, dashing madly to the dressing room with Force-aided speed. The architecture of this place is amazing, but it's all an unimportant blur to me. The frantic beating of my heart and the clapping of my feet against the white and gray marbled tiles are the only sounds I hear, the never-ending hallway before me is all I see.

Every part of me is set on a little room in the back of the retreat; the regal, sweeping ceilings, the perfectly geometrical windows, and the towering doors are petty distractions.

As I reach the door I want, I can feel my heart thundering in my chest with urgency. I make no move to knock.

The minute I open the door I wonder how much good my suddenly feeble strength will do. It's all I can do not to melt into the carpet with inadequacy at the very sight of her. Her hair, red as the fires in her heart, is drawn up elegantly at the nape of her neck, free of its customary braids. Enormous pearl earrings weigh down her soft lobes and a silver choker sets off her proud features, the fierce beauty I only now appreciate, only now that I'm about to lose her. She doesn't see me at first; she's standing before the mirror, looking at her feet as her attendants encase her in satins and laces and jewelry. But for just a moment, as she looks into the glass, I can see her tears, and she can see my stunned face. In horror, she moves toward the wall, hiding her moist cheeks. I see her move her hands to mop them, and feel my heart breaking.

Seeing her pain hurts me more than any physical wound.

I want to call out to her, but in her presence my voice deserts me, I struggle to extend my hand as any friend would, and yet it doesn't respond. I stand here helpless, unable to react to her poorly concealed tears. I am afraid that if I try and speak to her I will say things I shouldn't say to a bride, that if I draw any nearer to her I will be sucked in and eaten alive. Both awe and terror hold me motionless, my heart cowering before its queen.

She speaks to me without turning around.

"Do you need something?"

Her voice sets my lungs afire, making it an effort just to breathe. This simple question has my heart thundering a hundred symphonies.

Yes, I do need something, very badly.

Too bad it's out of my reach.

I force myself to respond.

"I wish I could talk to you. It's- been so long, and now more than ever I need to."

She still doesn't look at me.

"What are you doing right now?"

The bitterness in her voice drives knives into my heart, and before I can stop myself I've crossed the room to her. She pulls me in like a gravity well, the suffering I see in the set of her shoulders and the sorrow surrounding her in the Force beckoning me closer, closer. I shouldn't, but now I can't seem to stop myself. Everything about her, from her lost child eyes to her vain attempts to hide a trembling hand, tugs at my soul, pulls me closer and closer to her. My love is hurting.

I have to make it stop.

As she raises her eyes to mine, filled with both sadness and an unnamable fear, a tiny voice that I know is not my own whispers in my heart.

**_You never have to be afraid._**

**_I'll always protect you._**

In shock I realize that the voice truly isn't mine, the thought and the memory nothing I've ever experienced. I try and shake it off; now is the worst time for disembodied voices. I have to be there for her…She's crying… Her eyes are so clear, by no means easy to read, but open for anyone to try. There has to be something I can do to help her, some way to save her…

**_Are you an angel?_**

I can't afford to pay the voice any mind.

"Tenel Ka… I know what you're doing. I know your little lie."

She jerks and I can tell she knows what I mean, but still she puts ice in her voice.

"Yes, I am getting married. Is that not apparent?"

Whenever she truly is asking me such questions, when she really doesn't understand me, I can tell.

There is no such innocence in her question now.

**_Nothing will happen to you, I swear._**

Why is she hiding from me like this?

**_You never have to be afraid._**

**_I'll always come back to you…_**

I look into her eyes pleadingly.

"Tenel Ka, please don't lie to me. I know you, and I know you don't want this. There's no way you can!"

For a moment she wilts, but then once again is the proud monarch of the Hapes Cluster.

"A Queen has her duties, duties you could never _attempt _to understand…Jacen."

Her defense seems strong enough until she says my name. Sudden fear fills her eyes and she turns away abruptly. It is only now that I can see the flush in her cheeks, the way she plucks at her dress with nerves that I've never seen in her. There is something much more than she's letting on.

"Why?" I ask as steadily as I can manage. "Why don't you trust me anymore? You used to…so long ago. Has everything changed so much?"

For a long time she doesn't look up. Desperation makes my mind spin. I'm losing her more with each second spent here, with each moment, with each word the moment when she leaves me at the loser's end of the aisle is drawing closer. I have to have her back.

I _need _her, more than I've ever needed anything.

**_Every moment when I'm near you is agony…_**

**_I can't breathe…_**

Finally, after an eternity, she speaks.

"It's not you I do not trust, Jacen my friend, it is myself; myself and my selfishness. Never, in a thousand lives, could I find anything untrustworthy in you. I just…cannot…let go, no matter the consequences. Selfishness."

Whatever she's trying to say, I can't comprehend it at all. I'm in no mood for cryptic speech, much less when it's from the woman I love more than anything. I feel my legs bringing me closer to her. My mind is nothing but panicked urgency but my body doesn't seem to be my own anymore…

My hand cups her chin with desperate tenderness, trying to keep her in one place, so she can't slip away from me.

"_This _is selfishness Tenel Ka! Selfishness is thinking only of yourself, in this case your Sith-damned honor! What about what _you _want, what you need to survive? How can you do this and expect to go on? Expect _me_ to go on?"

I realize what I've said too late. She's already jerking her gaze to meet mine, searching my eyes for an answer. I'm sure it's written all over my face, but it's the question that has me shaking. I force words from my lips.

"Yes, to me as well. You're hurting because of _something _that I assume is this marriage, and seeing you hurt hurts _me too_. Add that to the knowledge that I'm letting go of my whole _life _by watching you marry that man, the guilt that I didn't realize this until you won't listen anymore, and I'm done for." I look down fiercely, hoping that loss of eye contact will keep her from seeing the truth in me. How can I face her? How can I _live _with this confession? I'm naked before her, bared of all the lies I've told myself for years, and all that remains is the sure, definite, and overpowering fact:

I love Tenel Ka Djo, and I'd rather die than lose her.

For whatever it's worth, I have to tell her, have to take that one last dive into infinity. In my heart somewhere I know it will do no good, but there is no doubt in my mind that I must.

"Tenel Ka…"

**_I love you…always and forever…_**

"I love you…always…and forever…"

Hot tears brim my eyes, but I barely notice. I'm gathering the strength to look at her, to look into her face and see what my truth is really worth. The voice in the back of my mind is muffled now, but I can still hear it crying bitterly for lives lost. I have no room in my thoughts to wonder who it belongs to. I'm dying over and over again inside myself. My only hope for survival is in the woman I can no longer bring myself to look at. The need to persevere finally overcomes fear. I raise my head, and find hers impossibly close to mine.

The Queen's gently beautiful hand captures my face, and I feel it burning with the life that seems to have abandoned the rest of my body. She can do with one hand what no other could with two! Anything that was brain cells before is nothing more than mush the second her fingers caress my cheek. Her eyes have such a gleam in them, and a part of me dares to hope that everything will be all right when I see the way she's looking at me. My arms reach out and seize her waist without me, but I'm beyond caring, beyond thinking. I'm almost too lost to hear when she whispers the words I've never hoped to hear in my lifetime:

"Is it not sad, then, that to tell I did not love you would be a lie too terrible to utter?" Her eyes are so amazing, but so sad too…lost… "I wish I could help loving you …Jacen…but you make it so hard…"

In the same instant as me, she surrenders to the moment, this moment that should last forever, as she moves her lips to cover mine, covering me with the love I don't deserve, that no man deserves…

**_That kiss that you shouldn't ever have given me…_**

I suck in a deep breath before our lips collide.

I'm in another world, and in it all there is is Tenel Ka and this mad fluttering in my heart. All that permeates my shocked happiness is the simple thought, now so blessedly fact:

She loves me.

**_You…you love me?_**

I lean in the kiss with a fierceness that would frighten any other woman, but Tenel Ka is stronger than any other woman I could've ever known. Her strength slams against mine, and, for the first time in my life, I'm alive. Her lips slide on my own, putting the very breath in them. It's simply amazing, and inside I know that if she breaks away I will surely die. Standing here in her wedding gown, my love melts into my arms, and at the same time into my soul forever.

**_My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss won't become a scar…_**

But suddenly, she pulls away, and something in me dies…battered and broken beyond any hope of repair.

I know what she's going to do.

Her eyes are flooded with tears now, but I'm numb. I'm in the middle of an ocean, but my raft just sank. I can't feel my legs…can't swim…drowning… She manages a sad smile.

"Jacen, I…I am sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Her apologies vanish in sobs. She can't seem to meet my eyes any longer, and instead looks in the mirror to her right. "Were that face not mine…" she murmurs sorrowfully. Her hand is shaking, her shoulders racking despite her obvious efforts to stop it. I can't seem to move, think, feel, anything.

Am I alive?

No answers come to me.

_Nothing _comes to me.

**_Why…why are you leaving me?_**

**_Don't leave me here…_**

After a while spent in awkward silence, I hear music playing beyond the door. My Queen addresses me without turning around. "I must go now Jacen."

I am past all emotion; I am empty. Still I look at her imploringly; hoping there's something she can say that will make me live again. But she is silent; she leaves me in the tomb that is my body.

She doesn't face me.

She just leaves.

Just like that, she takes the first few steps away from me, away from this place that was, if only for a moment, ours. Every inch toward the door and she's slipping away, pulling at the cord of love that has tied us together. I reach out, hoping to catch hold of her before she's gone for good, but to no avail. In tears that she must believe no one can see, she races out of the room. She's slipping away…and then there's nowhere left to slip.

_Snap_.

I'm alone.

Forever.

Just me and the voice in my head.

**_I won't fail you…ever again…_**

Shattered bits of my heart bite into my lungs, and a moment passes during which I just don't breathe. What's the point anyway?

She's gone.

For a thousand eternities I stand here, knowing I can't go watch her do this thing, marry that man. I can't see her at all; ever again. I want to lie down on the soft carpeted floor and stay there, to never move again and thus face the truth: that I am alone…

And I always will be.

But then again, there's no use avoiding it is there?

My Tenel Ka loved me…maybe even still does…

But Hapes comes first…

So now I'm last.

There's nothing else to do anymore. With the sound of my grandfather's keening in my head, I play the last card in my deck, the one that could send me anywhere, in any way, at any time. Whatever the risks and complications, it's all I _can _do. In this one action, I find the strength to breathe again, to bring sustaining air into this chest that no longer cares to live or die. I don't care anymore, but whispers inside me long for purpose.

**_I love you…Padme…_**

I get up.


End file.
